theboywhodied | (no subject)

Entry tags:

howard,
musebox

(no subject)

What the hell does this mean?

Cedric is sprawled on the couch in their little flat, head in his hands. He's been grappling with uncomfortable thoughts for quite a while, and here they are coming to a head. The convenient excuses he's used to squash any possibility of trying a relationship with another person no longer apply.

The war is over, there's no going back to wizarding England, and there's no more Lord Voldemort to kill him. He's seemingly permanently settled in a quaint seaside town on some planet with Howard, the unlikeliest of friends. The two of them grated on each other so much when they first met, yet here they are sharing a condo overlooking the bay. Those compensation credits from the war were a godsend.

But that's not all he's thought about sharing lately. One of the problems with living in a seaside town is that love seems to be in the air. Partnering up left and right, walking on the beach, playing the silly carnival games. Most of their time is spent with work, but those little escapes being so nearby are fun.

The strange thing is that lately, he's had momentary visions of that closeness. With Howard. Cedric sees them holding hands on the beach and watching rocks skip out to the ocean. He hears the laughter in their flat. He imagines saying good night, their voices just a little closer than before.

But there are a few things wrong with this scenario. One, Cedric's missed his chance. Howard had a crush on him back during the war, and he'd asked him out. Cedric had refused, citing concerns about Cho, the war, and...though he didn't say it, he wondered about dating a guy. It had never been his thing, right? He's no longer so sure. He's grown to love Howard's laugh, live for the times he can extract a smile, and he's become attached.

Two, going back to the first issue. Howard's male. And Cedric's always been interested in women. He remembers Cho, the long-term girlfriend he'll never see again, the many girls he'd smiled at at Hogwarts, and nights with the guys at the dorm discussing girls. Surely he's never been interested in one of the guys. If he was, he would've known before now.

Then why can't he get Howard's smile out of his head? Why can't he stop dreaming about nighttime walks and homemade meals? Not that Cedric doesn't cook now, but it'd be different for a boyfriend. He'd give Howard his absolute best and be proud of it. Howard won't have to worry about food again.

He burrows in the couch and lets out a muffled scream, pillow pulled tightly behind his head.

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"Uh, yeah..." Howard stammers a bit. He feels like you could fry an egg on his face, the way he's blushing. He brings his fingertips to his mouth, as if trying to reaffirm through touch that yes, that just happened.

Cedric's lips were so warm.

"I, um." Howard becomes suddenly very interested in the corner of his sleeve, mostly because sleeves can't make eye cotnact. "Was that okay?"

It's hard to resist the urge to call Howard adorable and cuddle him. Really, it is. Cedric chooses to restrain himself to smiling like an idiot. It's hard not to feel overheated.

He's aware they need to go slowly, so he awkwardly extends and retracts his hand once or twice. Is it going to be okay? Is it not? In the end, his hand ends up gently covering the wrist Howard is staring at.

"More than that," he admits. "It's fine. That's...well, that's one thing that boyfriends can do, isn't it." That word's going to take some getting used to. "Doesn't have to be all the time, but I don't mind."

This is so awkward. He should just shut up and start doing something comfortably silent. Fidget, fidget.

Howard tenses up a little at the touch, then puts his free hand over Cedric's. It's a hard thing, touch. It's easier to reach out and touch than accent that someone can touch you. Howard likes to have control over that part of his personal sphere, and probably would have either frozen up entirely or flailed about and smacked Cedric in the face if Cedric had tried to surprise-cuddle.

He lifts his eyes and makes eye contact. A little smile starts to creep over his face. "Yeah? I mean, um. I didn't mind it either. It was kind of nice."

He pauses. "And warm. Is your face like a space heater or something?"

Cedric's relieved that he hasn't been smacked. He'll go very slowly, that's for sure. But there's really no rush. Just this has excited and embarrassed him enough. His face is still burning, isn't it? Kissing Cho definitely hadn't invoked this much silliness.

"I don't think so," he says, tapping a finger against his cheek just to be sure. "It wouldn't be very comfortable if it was. But kisses are supposed to be warm because humans are warm. Unless...I suppose it wouldn't be if you were sucking on an ice cube."

It is a strange sort of thrilling. In a way it's tempting to just try and rush things to affirm that yes, they are now boyfriends. And yet, as that is now way too intimidating, Howard's more comfortable taking it slowly. Possibly glacially slowly. That kiss may be the further boundary mark for many a month, Cedric.

And yet he knows Cedric will respect that. There's a novel feeling of security that comes with that. And that just makes him want to cuddle up to Cedric more. Maybe tonight, if he works up the nerve.

"Maybe I'll try that sometime. Just to surprise you."

That idea intrigues him. He knows they're mostly going to be talking and walking and doing casual things, but that's all right. The intimacy in this relationship will likely be from slowly opening up and talking, and that suits him just fine. It's a closeness that he wasn't aware he really needed until recently, but it's here. They're a messed up little family unit, Howard and Cedric.

"It'd scare me," Cedric comments with a laugh. "I'd worry you were sick, and then you'd shove it at me and I'd realise.."

Yeah. He'll just flop back against the couch now, wrapped up in his imagination goofy grin on his face. "That's why I like you. Always the clever one."

A unit. It's true, that's what they are. Two parts of one thing larger. It's not like Howard hasn't had intimacy before, but it was different then. That was Orc, and that wasn't romantic, and this is Cedric and it is. And Cedric's smart and capable and most of all, upbeat. Someone who pulls Howard further away from the depressed end of the spectrum instead of dragging him that way.

"You know, if I actually do get sick, I'm totally going to be a backseat doctor. And demand so much homemade chicken soup." He grins. "And now you're going to be the one responsible for me getting better. You're sure you're up to the challenge?"

"Of course. Well...the soup's easy enough. I can manage that. And I'll learn the rest from you along the way."

He stretches his arm (the one away from Howard) across the back of the couch, all smiles. There might be a day he can use his other arm, but not yet.

"But I'm the one who has to worry if I fall ill, right? You're scary enough as a doctor already," he says lightly.

"That's just because I don't put up with patients' crap. And I'm a medic, not a doctor. Big difference. Medics get shot at." Some mindsets don't leave with the end of the war. "I'm not afraid to force-feed people antibiotics, so you better do what I say when you're sick."

Neither do some of Howard's more controlling attitudes.

Cedric gulps, nodding his head obediently. "Yes, of course. Medicine doesn't have such an awful taste. Medical potions are worse, trust me."

Oh, he still remembers the slimy concoctions that bubbled unpleasantly. He almost misses those days, but then he wouldn't be here. With Howard, and surprisingly content.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," he says. Maybe he could've seen that smile sooner if he hadn't taken so long to figure this out. Not to mention the unnecessary duration of pain for Howard.

"I don't know. Unflavored NyQuil can be pretty yucky."

Howard shrugs. "It's okay. I get it." Then he bites his lip. "Except actually, I don't. I mean, I'm not really what people look for in a date and you're, well, you. And you've had a long time to get to know me. I just never saw myself as the kind of person who grew on anyone."

"It was...how do I explain this?"

Cedric rakes his hand through his hair in thought, trying to remember exactly when he knew that he wanted to be Howard's boyfriend. It was a slow process, but he thinks he can dig out parts of it.

"Well you grew on me. At first I thought we'd never get along. Then we talked some more. You admitted it to me, but I couldn't return it then. I was still torn about my past. I didn't have the energy to fall for anyone then. But somewhere I started to think your smile was cute."

He blushes at that confession, fiddling with his trousers with his fingers. Anything but looking at Howard. "Your laugh too. It was so rare, but I wanted more of it. I kept trying to make you happy. At the end of the war, when we were in the medical bay...I realised that you made me happy too. I was so relieved to find you. We told the worst jokes."

He'll always remember that part. "Then we escaped here. At first I thought my attachment to you might just be from the war, gratitude for saving my life. But I kept looking and wondering. Thinking about you, then trying to stop because surely you'd moved on by now."

They were really awful jokes. Howard's convinced that medical professionals are the most jaded and sarcastic people in the universe, even moreso than morticians and standup comedians. And the last few battles had been ugly enough to warrant it.

Funny, they managed to walk away in one piece. A few scars, but no missing body parts. Howard's got a scar down his back and side that might make someone double-take, and another hidden under his hair from that encounter with the robots, but other than that all his wounds are psychological. And most of them existed before the ship, even.

"You saved my life too, you know. And I don't get all mushy about that." Except he does, in secret. It's just hard to live with, harder to nurse than a crush, and not about to be alleviated with Cedric's acceptance.

Because if you love someone, you have to cope with the reality that one day, they might not be there. And then you'll have to mourn them.

He reaches out again intertwines his arm with Cedric's.

"You know me. I have a tendency to get mushy about things." Cedric's caught onto that by now. Sometimes it's just fun to be sentimental and caring. He slips his arm on through, pleased at how close their hands end up. Maybe they can bridge the gap and pretend they're definitely not doing it.

"Except for my food. I won't be serving mushy porridge in this house. You can count on that."

He hears soft mewling in the distance. Oh goody, the cats must be off making trouble somewhere. Somehow, he doesn't care. He's far more enamored with the man beside him. "So...I think we're both free tomorrow. Obviously we'll do errands ourselves, but where do we walk first?"

He's fixated on the walking idea. It's so...nice.

Howard gets mushy more rarely. Nostalgic, sometimes. Sweet, occasionally. But mushy has never really been his bag. He usually shows his affection for people in more subtle ways. In his mind, he's relieving their burdens. He makes sure Cedric never sees the utilities bill before it's paid and that the medicine cabinet's always stocked and that the laundry's always done. Maybe he wouldn't, for another roommate. Certainly not for one he doesn't care about. But for Cedric, boyfriend or not, Howard's most comfortable in the background, the quiet support.

"You know I really don't care if it is mushy porridge." Howard compulsively eats toothpaste and expired anything most days, even though he knows, logically, that he doesn't need to anymore. Cedric could make him a dinner of delicacies and he wouldn't notice. But he does notice if Cedric makes dinner. "We could go on my jogging route. The view of the ocean's real pretty."

Cedric's grateful in his own way. It's in his nature to be on top of everything, be in control, excel...so the relative lack of other work to be done had to get suspicious at some point. Some days, even before he became aware of his feelings, he's just wanted to give Howard a big old hug.

Maybe someday he will. That it's even a future possibility now, no matter how far off, means more to Cedric than it probably should. They'll never express affection the same way he had with Cho, but this little bit is enough.

"I'd love to," Cedric answers, clearly just a little excited. "We can jog if you'd like to. Or walk. Or some of both. I want to see it all. You have that sharp eye for the best spots."

Cedric may be surprised. Howard's tentative now, but he's not completely averse to touch. It's a trust issue, and Cedric hasn't quite crossed that bridge yet. But he may. Eventually. And then he might the subject of more hugs than he initiates.

"Nah. Walking works. Figure I'm usually too out of breath to enjoy it, and. And..." Howard gives a sigh that could almost be described as 'contented'. "I'd like to actually take time to enjoy this, you know?"

It sounds like a perfect morning. One he can agree to!

"So would I. I want to take a whiff of the ocean, feel the sun, bask in it." With those words, he unconsciously shuffles closer to Howard, as if he's seeking out the warmth of the sun.

That's probably the first and last time anyone will ever compare Howard to sunshine. He's lovely, he's charming, just...not especially optimistic. That's Cedric's job.

Howard shuffles closer back. They're maybe an inch from touching now, shoulder to shoulder. Close enough that they can feel warmth for each other.

"I think there's a little tide pool at the bottom of the cliffs, too. I don't know if you had anything like that where you're from, but, I don't know." He shrugs. "Could catch some crayfish or whatever for dinner."

It's a new feeling. Cedric feels an odd sort of fuzziness in his stomach, like he's warm all over and bursting with affection. He can't quite explain what about this closeness makes him so comfortable, but he doesn't care.

"I didn't see much of the shoreline. England was small, and we were close enough, but we weren't very adventurous. Wizards were insular people. That's why I liked it here. It's all so new."

He's delighted by the idea. "I'd love to. We have the buckets and shovels, what else should I bring?"

Another thing Howard's likely learned about Cedric is that he likes to play like a kid at times. He's built elaborate sandcastles more than once.

In a way it's strange. This whole thing, the house and the credits and the brand new world...it's a fresh start. A chance to reinvent themselves. And it occurs to Howard that for the most part he's ignored that opportunity.

"I grew up by the beach. I mean, not right on it, but it was just a ten-minute bike ride away from my house when I was little." Howard's face lights up a little too. "Spray bottle. We'll fill it with saltwater so we can build stuff taller."

Secretly, Howard's got a bit of little kidness to him too. It doesn't show up often, but Cedric's one of the few people who can draw it out of him.

"And I'll find some shells and pebbles," Cedric adds cheerfully. Oh, yes. They'll build one of their greatest sandy creations yet.

That just leaves the question of when to go. He unconsciously dips his head just a little closer, thinking. "When should we go? Sunrise, morning, afternoon, evening?"

"I'll bring a little flag." He's already planning on how to make one out of the little pizza mini-table, a pencil and a candywrapper.

"Sunrise, if you're awake and not all bleary by then." Howard still keeps bizarre hours. Typically this means four hours or so at night and then crashing midway through the day, taking a nap after dinner, and then repeating the whole cycle the next day. "It's pretty then, and the trail is quiet. No one with annoying dogs or anything."

Totally a cat person.

"I can wake up," Cedric insists. "I used to do it for flying every day. And I like the idea of watching it rise."

It is starting to get late, though. He sighs lightly, glancing at the clock. "Early to bed, early to rise?"

This is awkward. But it's the same as before, right? Wandering off to their separate beds in their separate rooms, maybe waving before they go.

"I should get some sleep, yeah. Work tomorrow." He gets up and snaps his fingers at the ground so the cats will follow him to his bedroom. They like Cedric, of course, but they know whose head they're supposed to sleep next to at night.

He waits in the doorway to his room. "Should we, um. Should we do a goodnight kiss?"

He's much more inexperienced with Cedric. He has no idea what's too fast and too slow, although he expects they're a little ahead of schedule by already living together.