theboywhodied | (no subject)

Entry tags:

howard,
musebox

(no subject)

What the hell does this mean?

Cedric is sprawled on the couch in their little flat, head in his hands. He's been grappling with uncomfortable thoughts for quite a while, and here they are coming to a head. The convenient excuses he's used to squash any possibility of trying a relationship with another person no longer apply.

The war is over, there's no going back to wizarding England, and there's no more Lord Voldemort to kill him. He's seemingly permanently settled in a quaint seaside town on some planet with Howard, the unlikeliest of friends. The two of them grated on each other so much when they first met, yet here they are sharing a condo overlooking the bay. Those compensation credits from the war were a godsend.

But that's not all he's thought about sharing lately. One of the problems with living in a seaside town is that love seems to be in the air. Partnering up left and right, walking on the beach, playing the silly carnival games. Most of their time is spent with work, but those little escapes being so nearby are fun.

The strange thing is that lately, he's had momentary visions of that closeness. With Howard. Cedric sees them holding hands on the beach and watching rocks skip out to the ocean. He hears the laughter in their flat. He imagines saying good night, their voices just a little closer than before.

But there are a few things wrong with this scenario. One, Cedric's missed his chance. Howard had a crush on him back during the war, and he'd asked him out. Cedric had refused, citing concerns about Cho, the war, and...though he didn't say it, he wondered about dating a guy. It had never been his thing, right? He's no longer so sure. He's grown to love Howard's laugh, live for the times he can extract a smile, and he's become attached.

Two, going back to the first issue. Howard's male. And Cedric's always been interested in women. He remembers Cho, the long-term girlfriend he'll never see again, the many girls he'd smiled at at Hogwarts, and nights with the guys at the dorm discussing girls. Surely he's never been interested in one of the guys. If he was, he would've known before now.

Then why can't he get Howard's smile out of his head? Why can't he stop dreaming about nighttime walks and homemade meals? Not that Cedric doesn't cook now, but it'd be different for a boyfriend. He'd give Howard his absolute best and be proud of it. Howard won't have to worry about food again.

He burrows in the couch and lets out a muffled scream, pillow pulled tightly behind his head.

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Howard stops. For a second it looks like he might cry. He holds the cat closer. He wants to believe it so badly, but if he does and then Cedric lets him down, it'll hurt so much more. And he's tired of hurting over this.

"You're really a hundred perfect serious?" He's shaking, ever so slightly, like he's expecting some injury to come out of nowhere. Like a rabbit hiding from a wild dog.

It would be easier to kick Cedric out and believe the worst. Then it would just be no, go away, black and white hatred. But to put himself out there again and hope that Cedric's being honest is almost asking too much.

"Why now?"

Cedric's been asking himself the same question all day. He still doesn't know his ultimate fate, but at least Howard is talking to him. That's something.

"Because I'm thick. Seriously, I don't know! I think...it's been here for a while." He looks up at Howard and tries not to blush, feeling that strange mix of attraction and guilt. "I'd feel good being with you, and I'd want more."

He shakes his head. "But I told myself 'that's stupid, Cedric, we're at war and you could die when this is all over. Or before that.' So I ignored it, it wasn't so strong back then. And now...I've started to think about it more and more. When I see couples on the streets, when they're out at night." Those are nice, safe things that don't involve awkwardness in their home.

"I thought that might be loneliness due to me forgetting what attraction felt like. I thought I might be projecting onto the nearest person, so I went out into town. I tried convincing myself it was stupid, because I didn't want to reopen this. Not after I hurt you and you moved on."

He dropped his gaze, finally slowing down the rushed whisper. "All I've convinced myself of is that I'm an idiot and it was you."

"So this is like, you feeling jealous of all the couples out there and taking it out on me," he says, ignoring Cedric's qualifiers. It's his last defense, his last attempt to push Cedric away, and there's a part of him that so badly wants to put Cedric off the idea forever so they can both just move on.

He sighs and takes a seat on the couch. "I just don't get why. I mean, I'm cranky and I don't like touch and I make fun of you all the time..."

Maybe if it were when they had just started knowing each other, before Cedric was so informed on Howard's quirks and foibles, it would be different. Howard stares into his cat's fur and avoids looking at Cedric.

"No!" Cedric balls his fists. "I'm not taking anything out. I...I knew something wasn't quite what I wanted it to be with you. Seeing all sorts of them made me realise what it was." That little bit of encouragement has made him dare to hope. Foolish, he now thinks.

He walks to the other end of the couch, still at a safe distance. "Maybe that's what I like about you. Maybe I'd miss it if you stopped making fun of me. It's...charming."

Their life after this rejection is going to be so awkward.

Howard believes Cedric. That's the terrifying thing. He believes him. He still isn't quite sure what Cedric sees in him, but he does believe Cedric at least likes the routine of being the butt of all the jokes.

He curls up into a ball on the couch, knees to his chest and face buried in the cat. It's a defensive gesture.

"Ced..." He takes a deep breath and whispers something he's never told anyone. "The last person I fell for broke my nose."

It goes a long way towards explaining why Howard's so gunshy with romance. He mustered up the bravery once, to ask Cedric the first time. He doesn't know if he can again.

It's a scary thing, this feeling. All the complications that come with it. Cedric leans back against the couch, letting himself think that over. Howard's worried for a good reason. And he can't magic that fear away, not in an instant.

"I know a spell that fixes noses," Cedric whispers back, the first thing to come to mind. "Why did that happen?"

"I don't know. I was just trying to help." He squeezes the cat so close she gives a little squeak and thrashes out of his grip. He laughs, and it's entirely devoid of humor. "It just figures, right? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of maybe the best news that's ever come my way."

And that's how he sees it, now that he knows Cedric's being honest. Howard bites his lip.

"What if it doesn't work between us?"

Cedric wishes he had a cat to hold, but Sushi's not particularly cooperative. She's off chasing her silly kitty dreams, wherever they may lead her. He has to face his fears by himself.

"That's awful," he says. "I wouldn't. Not after everything."

But that trust is for Howard to decide. The second question scares him too, but he does catch those other words. He still cares. It would be possible.

"Then...we can choose not to, knowing that we're both interested in each other. We can continue living like...this, or we can go after what we want. If it doesn't work."

That's the tricky part. He thinks about that for a few moments.

"If it doesn't work, we'll hurt. A lot. But I reckon we'd be able to work through it." They're mature, right? Mostly he's prepared to dive in and take the risk. In his mind, mostly it's stupid not to try if they're aware that they're both interested.

"I was okay living like this before you went and ruined it," Howard points out. And yes, he is a little angry at Cedric. He misses the routine, the status quo, already.

"I just..."

He sighs so hard his shoulders slump, as if he's completely deflated. "I'm sorry, Ced. I didn't want it to go like this. I figured if you ever decided you liked me back it'd be simple or something."

And it should be. It would be, if not for his stupid head getting in the way. All those neuroses and baggage that Ced's going to have to deal with if they go through with this.

He wants to sink into the couch.

He reaches a hand out to take Cedric's.

"I did," Cedric agrees. Now they have no choice but to face it. "But how long could I have lied? I would've cracked under a week at best."

His compulsive need to be honest just about everywhere would be the downfall of them all.

"Nothing's ever been simple with us, has it?" It's almost funny. He'd smile, but he's focusing all his energy on pushing his hand closer. That's the most he'll do for now. It's Howard's to decide. "We're just...jumbled up together and learning to deal with it. But I wouldn't have it another way."

"God, I kept my whole deal under wraps for months. Zou didn't even realize I was hiding some deep dark secret."

He reaches out and takes Cedric's hand. "Pretty good description. I just don't know how this goes. Any of it. So I guess we just take it as it goes."

"It's a skill I still need to work on."

Cedric slips his hand in Howard's and leaves it there, marveling at his ability to do this. He holds on, letting himself adjust to just that. It's oddly liberating.

"Neither do I, really! But I suppose we could start with eating the pizza before it gets cold?"

"I don't know how this changes things." Howard's surprised to realize that he actually doesn't know. A lot of 'something more' seems a little too intimidating right now. Kissing and deep displays of physical affection and all. Certainly sex.

Except something's different now, he knows that. Even if he can't explain how.

"You mean before the cats figure out how to open a pizza box." Howard grins and gets up, still holding Cedric's hand. "We could, um. We could try cuddling after dinner, if you want."

"Neither do I. But we could start with what we were thinking about? Taking walks, holding hands, that sort of thing. What we wanted to do but couldn't."

That seems logical enough to him. He jumps up beside Howard, flashing a grin and looking over his shoulder at the pizza box. "They're smart cats. Let's finish up and try that."

As it turns out, there's already a cat nose pushing at the lid of the box. "Hey, shoo!" He tugs Howard over to the table and gently picks Sushi up. "No. That's our food, I'm sorry. Go try yours!"

"Yeah. That seems like a good place to start." Howard shoos the cats away from the pizza box too. He grabs the pizza box. "You know what? Why don't we eat this on the couch?"

He's trying, Ced! He's really trying! Besides, it might be an excuse for them to sit closer together than they normally would. Maybe even touching. Maybe.

"Sure!" Cedric thinks the couch will be comfortable for most of the same reasons. He pushes the table to a comfortable position in front, then brings the plates and glasses over. There's enough space to comfortably sit side by side with some personal space. Best to start slowly.

He takes his seat with a smile, prodding at his slice. It's not as hot, but not yet cold enough to be reheated either. Ah, the mushrooms on his half are delicious. "Next time I'll go for the supreme, just wait," he laughs.

Howard props his feet up on the table. They're two teenagers living alone in a house. No one's here to tell him not to. He folds his half of the pizza in two like a sandwich and starts to eat it as politely as he can manage (which still mostly involves shoving it in his mouth). Hawaiian pizza on his side, not because it's his favorite, but because he likes to pretend that his views on food aren't so warped that he's forgotten how to have favorites.

"So. How was your day?" He says around a mouthful of pizza. "I mean. Besides sitting around pining for me."

Right. Small talk. This is what couples do, isn't it? He thinks he remembers similar nights with Cho, laughing and talking over dessert in the Great Hall. Those long-lost days should hold some clues.

He rolls his eyes fondly. "I'd watch it if I were you," Cedric teases. "As you said, you've had far more time to perfect it. But I spent most of it jogging. You can tell that summer's almost here. People are wearing what little they can get away with and everything smells like salt."

Summer days sound great to him. Oh, the opportunities on the beach. "What about you? You all right?"

"My pining is an art. You're the one who ends up looking like the couch took a nap on you." Howard winks. "We should go jogging sometime. Bet I can outrun you."

He nods. "Same ol', same ol'. Figuring I just need to hammer out my test for my diploma and get it over with. Then I'll have more freetime to spend reinventing the Roomba."

"Those are those odd vacuums, right?" Cedric's not up on all the latest tech, but he's better than before. "You'll pass, I'm sure. And maybe someday you can teach me," he says, though he's not sure he really means it. He tries to learn about the Muggle things wizards don't spend much time on like maths and science, but it's slow going. The library books aren't the most helpful.

One thing Howard's said really stings. Cedric's hand automatically goes up to his hair, prodding the mess. "Is it that bad?"

"Yes. I totally want one. You should see the Youtube videos of cats trying to attack them." And on that note, Howard's entertained enough by Sushi licking the inside of the pizza box. Smart cat. "Or maybe you can do the smart thing and get a tutor who didn't spend all of seventh grade science ditching class for the arcade."

Howard grins. "Worse."

"Maybe I'll watch them with you." Cedric's slowly introducing himself to the world of cat videos. He'd liked cats enough back home, but he's gaining a new appreciation for them now. Clever creatures, and sweet in their own way, he thinks as he eats.

"...You're sitting for the exam. That's more than I'm doing. But I will." Soon. When he has this football thing solidified.

That last statement leads to a Cedric-hair freakout. He pats it down, tries to smooth it out, and only partially succeeds. "You should've told me sooner! The deliveryperson must've thought that I'm...uncouth."

Yes, these are the sorts of things that embarrass him.

Howard will never willingly let anyone know how much he loves those cats. Cedric can probably tell, as can anyone who spends more than an hour in the house, but Howard likes to pretend that its his little secret.

"You'll need to in case you ever get hit with a career-ending torn ligament. I can't put you back together if you do, man." Howard pulls one of the cats between them.

He grins. He likes to fluster Ced just a little. It makes him feel like he has the upper hand for a bit. Howard's so neurotic that sometimes he forgets he's not the only one who worries about stupid things, and this is a nice reminder. Besides, Ced's cute when he's ruffled. "'Uncouth' would be the nice way of putting it, man. I'm thinking he more likely thought you were a homeless guy squatting in this place."

Cedric makes a face at that cat. Lucky cat! He'd like to skritch behind its ears, especially with the way it keeps purring, but he has better ideas of what to do with his time.

"Accio comb!" Yes, this is getting fixed right now. He yanks it through his hair a few times, shaking his head ruefully. "Tyrant might've had a brilliant idea with the bald head. It's much harder to mess that up."

Howard bursts into laughter. It's like some sort of victory to get Cedric so ruffled that he uses his magic. But maybe they're both just too used to hiding.

"Yeah, but you have a weird-shaped head. Maybe we just need to set you up with a wig."