theboywhodied | (no subject)

Entry tags:

howard,
musebox

(no subject)

What the hell does this mean?

Cedric is sprawled on the couch in their little flat, head in his hands. He's been grappling with uncomfortable thoughts for quite a while, and here they are coming to a head. The convenient excuses he's used to squash any possibility of trying a relationship with another person no longer apply.

The war is over, there's no going back to wizarding England, and there's no more Lord Voldemort to kill him. He's seemingly permanently settled in a quaint seaside town on some planet with Howard, the unlikeliest of friends. The two of them grated on each other so much when they first met, yet here they are sharing a condo overlooking the bay. Those compensation credits from the war were a godsend.

But that's not all he's thought about sharing lately. One of the problems with living in a seaside town is that love seems to be in the air. Partnering up left and right, walking on the beach, playing the silly carnival games. Most of their time is spent with work, but those little escapes being so nearby are fun.

The strange thing is that lately, he's had momentary visions of that closeness. With Howard. Cedric sees them holding hands on the beach and watching rocks skip out to the ocean. He hears the laughter in their flat. He imagines saying good night, their voices just a little closer than before.

But there are a few things wrong with this scenario. One, Cedric's missed his chance. Howard had a crush on him back during the war, and he'd asked him out. Cedric had refused, citing concerns about Cho, the war, and...though he didn't say it, he wondered about dating a guy. It had never been his thing, right? He's no longer so sure. He's grown to love Howard's laugh, live for the times he can extract a smile, and he's become attached.

Two, going back to the first issue. Howard's male. And Cedric's always been interested in women. He remembers Cho, the long-term girlfriend he'll never see again, the many girls he'd smiled at at Hogwarts, and nights with the guys at the dorm discussing girls. Surely he's never been interested in one of the guys. If he was, he would've known before now.

Then why can't he get Howard's smile out of his head? Why can't he stop dreaming about nighttime walks and homemade meals? Not that Cedric doesn't cook now, but it'd be different for a boyfriend. He'd give Howard his absolute best and be proud of it. Howard won't have to worry about food again.

He burrows in the couch and lets out a muffled scream, pillow pulled tightly behind his head.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Catch up? On Mystery Medical Diagnosis? It's not like there's a storyline." Howard rolls his eyes at Cedric and pours himself a cup of coffee. He doesn't especially like being lied to and his spidey senses are tingling, but he'll give Cedric his space, at least until dinner. It'll help Howard too to decompress in his room eating marshmallows.

"Call me back in when you're done being weird, man."

Cedric will just ignore that. "I will. And if I don't, I'm sure you'll hear it and be out to yell at me."

He watches Howard go, then flops back on the couch when he's safely around the corner. There's so much to think about here. How this will go is the main issue.

In Cedric's mind, the most likely outcome is that Howard got over his crush long ago. If that's true, he'll be rejected, and it's just a matter of degree of reaction. Hopefully...if he asks in the right way, Howard will extend him the same courtesy that Cedric did for him back then. It'll be weird, but maybe someday they can laugh about how silly they both were.

That's too optimistic, though, isn't it? Howard could also be angry. Think he was joking at first, then scoff at the way Cedric missed his chance. How cruel that is, finally liking him a year later when it's too late. There could be walls built up that he'd thump against. Worst case scenario, he gets thrown out. He'd have little trouble finding somewhere else to live with his credits, but it would definitely hurt.

That leaves the third alternative, lying. That will probably lead to the 'getting thrown out'. He's always been taught to be honest, and this awkward tension will tear at him. And if he can't be as brave as Howard was, then what good is he?

Argh. It's interesting to him that 'hoping feeling goes away' is no longer rising up as an option. The whole time Howard was in the room, Cedric's idle daydreams had tickled the back of his mind. He's pictured friendlier conversations, curling up, really bonding. Those things won't happen. But he can't keep lying either, it's not him.

Dinner's a good opportunity, he thinks. If he doesn't have anything to say, he can just stuff his face because it's rude to talk while you're chewing. If he does, he can go slowly because they need time to digest. And they'll be face to face again, where Cedric can weigh his options.

He's running over a fourth scenario when the bell rings, startling him out of the room-pacing he'd started. "Food!" he yelps, snatching the money from the table and practically shoving it at the delivery person. "Thank you, good night."

And there's the fresh hot pizza, unaware of the night it's about to witness.

Howard checks his watch as he walks out of the room. "Eighteen minutes, damn. If it's more than twenty-five we get the pizza free. Did you get breadsticks?" Not that Howard minds getting the food seven minutes early.

He grabs the pizza box and takes it to the kitchen. The cats, predictably, follow, expecting that while they can't get scraps from Howard, they can continue to appeal to Cedric's generosity. Howard sets the table, not because he actually cares about table manners, but because he generally makes the effort not to look like a starved, ravenous dog whenever he's around Cedric.

Besides, it's routine. And Howard likes routine. They've settled into a nice one here, he and Cedric, and as much as it sometimes gets him down it's better than no routine at all.

"So, you going to tell me why you're acting weird?" Howard folds his hands over each other on the kitchen table.

Oh, those cats. They're always meowing at his heels! Cedric carries the bag of breadsticks and sauce in, arranging them in a neat little circle on the plate. That's the strange dance they do, pulling together nice meals and awkwardly eating beside each other every night.

It's going to drive Cedric up the wall tonight, because now he has a name for those silly feelings he's sometimes felt when looking at Howard over a pizza slice. He'd better look away before he starts turning red.

They settle at the table soon enough. Cedric nibbles on a breadstick, dropping his hand to let the cats lick the sauce off his finders when he's finished. Same as every week. He absentmindedly scratches behind their ears, focusing on what he can possibly say. He has to confess. He still doesn't have the perfect script for it.

"...yeah. It's just not the easiest thing in the world to say." That's the understatement of the year.

"You're making my cats fat." Not that they aren't already - Emergency Rations and Sushi are both approaching the twenty-pounder level. A little lightheartedness to try and alleviate some of the obvious tension in the room. He doesn't know what's on Cedric's mind, but he's already rifling through the options in his head: Cedric's moving out, Cedric's got a girlfriend, they're out of credits...

Howard looks concerned for about two seconds, long enough to put down his slice of pizza. Then he resorts to levity.

"If it's that you're a dork, you don't need to tell me. I already figured it out." He grins at Cedric. Teasing is still his forte. It's a sign of affection, but one of those innocuous ones that doesn't muddy up the strange little friendship between them.

"I'm a bigger dork than you know," Cedric shakes his head, pulling his fingers from the cats. He nibbles on a slice of pizza, chewing the thoughts in his head one last time. "That's enough, Sushi. Spot. You've had your treat."

He watches as the cats circle his feet and meow. They'll leave soon enough. But he can't leave this so easily. After what Cedric's already said, Howard will worry unless he knows the truth.

"Um. Well." He swallows a drink of the flat soda, trying to keep himself calm. It sort of works. "I just...I hope you'll return the favor from before, but I worry. Since I'm so late and everything."

"Emergency Rations," Howard corrects, as automatic by now as a 'bless you' after sneezing. He refuses to call the cat by a 'normal' name.

Howard gives Cedric a strange look, like he's trying to piece together what, exactly, is off about his housemate. He leans back in his seat and folds his arms.

"Return what favor? Cedric, you're being weird."

"The favor that..."

Cedric rakes a hand through his hair. This isn't going to be easy at all, but he needs to do it.

"Just please don't cut me out of your life for saying this. I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that I..."

He finally looks up, meeting Howard's eyes. If he's going to bare his soul, he's going to do this properly. Let the consequences fall as they will. He needs to be honest, to hang onto that little shred of bravery. Under the table, he's gently rubbing a cat's head for support. That head-bobbing is Sushi, he notes.

"I like you, Howard."

Howard stares for a minute. For a moment it's like time warps, and he can see Cedric's mouth moving and hear the words coming out, but he can't hear it over the sound of the sink dripping or the purr of the cat under the table. And then it hits.

"Cute. Real cute," he says, getting up and shoving his chair back. His face takes a harder edge, a desperate attempt to look stony instead of just hurt. "I'm going to my room."

"What?"

Cedric jumps out of his seat, inadvertently knocking the cat over in the process. She hisses and tears off in front of Howard, retreating to the cat bed.

"I'm serious. I'd never lie about this to you! I know I'm late, but I'm an idiot, you know that."

That's it, isn't it. He's too late. Cedric's stomach feels cold. He's expecting the worst, but the least he can get is some sort of answer. Better than staying here and kicking a few more things over, anyway.

"You think this is funny?" Howard bends over and grabs Emergency Rations as he walks, cuddling her close to his chest. It's some protective instinct, some 'you can't hit me because I'm holding the cat' nerve, even though Cedric's never done anything to hurt him, not even once.

Which, in Howard's mind, makes it extra upsetting that he's clearly trying to now.

"I put myself on the line. It's not fair for you to mess with me for it!" It's only once it's out of his mouth that he realizes he's yelling.

"No, it's not funny!" Cedric pleads. He pulls himself against a doorframe, looking hopelessly lost. He expected it to go over badly, but not this badly. But in hindsight, he should've expected it. What kind of idiot takes a whole year to realise they like someone, especially a year after they rejected the same person?

"I'm not messing with you, I swear it. I'm just---"

He gasps for air. How to say this? How can he express this horrible feeling?

"--just a stupid bloke with a crush who's seeing it for what it is too late," he says in a quiet rush. He'll have plenty of time to cry once he's out on the street looking for a new home, he tells himself. As the everything-ruiner, he's the one who has to leave.

Howard stops. For a second it looks like he might cry. He holds the cat closer. He wants to believe it so badly, but if he does and then Cedric lets him down, it'll hurt so much more. And he's tired of hurting over this.

"You're really a hundred perfect serious?" He's shaking, ever so slightly, like he's expecting some injury to come out of nowhere. Like a rabbit hiding from a wild dog.

It would be easier to kick Cedric out and believe the worst. Then it would just be no, go away, black and white hatred. But to put himself out there again and hope that Cedric's being honest is almost asking too much.

"Why now?"

Cedric's been asking himself the same question all day. He still doesn't know his ultimate fate, but at least Howard is talking to him. That's something.

"Because I'm thick. Seriously, I don't know! I think...it's been here for a while." He looks up at Howard and tries not to blush, feeling that strange mix of attraction and guilt. "I'd feel good being with you, and I'd want more."

He shakes his head. "But I told myself 'that's stupid, Cedric, we're at war and you could die when this is all over. Or before that.' So I ignored it, it wasn't so strong back then. And now...I've started to think about it more and more. When I see couples on the streets, when they're out at night." Those are nice, safe things that don't involve awkwardness in their home.

"I thought that might be loneliness due to me forgetting what attraction felt like. I thought I might be projecting onto the nearest person, so I went out into town. I tried convincing myself it was stupid, because I didn't want to reopen this. Not after I hurt you and you moved on."

He dropped his gaze, finally slowing down the rushed whisper. "All I've convinced myself of is that I'm an idiot and it was you."

"So this is like, you feeling jealous of all the couples out there and taking it out on me," he says, ignoring Cedric's qualifiers. It's his last defense, his last attempt to push Cedric away, and there's a part of him that so badly wants to put Cedric off the idea forever so they can both just move on.

He sighs and takes a seat on the couch. "I just don't get why. I mean, I'm cranky and I don't like touch and I make fun of you all the time..."

Maybe if it were when they had just started knowing each other, before Cedric was so informed on Howard's quirks and foibles, it would be different. Howard stares into his cat's fur and avoids looking at Cedric.

"No!" Cedric balls his fists. "I'm not taking anything out. I...I knew something wasn't quite what I wanted it to be with you. Seeing all sorts of them made me realise what it was." That little bit of encouragement has made him dare to hope. Foolish, he now thinks.

He walks to the other end of the couch, still at a safe distance. "Maybe that's what I like about you. Maybe I'd miss it if you stopped making fun of me. It's...charming."

Their life after this rejection is going to be so awkward.

Howard believes Cedric. That's the terrifying thing. He believes him. He still isn't quite sure what Cedric sees in him, but he does believe Cedric at least likes the routine of being the butt of all the jokes.

He curls up into a ball on the couch, knees to his chest and face buried in the cat. It's a defensive gesture.

"Ced..." He takes a deep breath and whispers something he's never told anyone. "The last person I fell for broke my nose."

It goes a long way towards explaining why Howard's so gunshy with romance. He mustered up the bravery once, to ask Cedric the first time. He doesn't know if he can again.

It's a scary thing, this feeling. All the complications that come with it. Cedric leans back against the couch, letting himself think that over. Howard's worried for a good reason. And he can't magic that fear away, not in an instant.

"I know a spell that fixes noses," Cedric whispers back, the first thing to come to mind. "Why did that happen?"

"I don't know. I was just trying to help." He squeezes the cat so close she gives a little squeak and thrashes out of his grip. He laughs, and it's entirely devoid of humor. "It just figures, right? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of maybe the best news that's ever come my way."

And that's how he sees it, now that he knows Cedric's being honest. Howard bites his lip.

"What if it doesn't work between us?"

Cedric wishes he had a cat to hold, but Sushi's not particularly cooperative. She's off chasing her silly kitty dreams, wherever they may lead her. He has to face his fears by himself.

"That's awful," he says. "I wouldn't. Not after everything."

But that trust is for Howard to decide. The second question scares him too, but he does catch those other words. He still cares. It would be possible.

"Then...we can choose not to, knowing that we're both interested in each other. We can continue living like...this, or we can go after what we want. If it doesn't work."

That's the tricky part. He thinks about that for a few moments.

"If it doesn't work, we'll hurt. A lot. But I reckon we'd be able to work through it." They're mature, right? Mostly he's prepared to dive in and take the risk. In his mind, mostly it's stupid not to try if they're aware that they're both interested.

"I was okay living like this before you went and ruined it," Howard points out. And yes, he is a little angry at Cedric. He misses the routine, the status quo, already.

"I just..."

He sighs so hard his shoulders slump, as if he's completely deflated. "I'm sorry, Ced. I didn't want it to go like this. I figured if you ever decided you liked me back it'd be simple or something."

And it should be. It would be, if not for his stupid head getting in the way. All those neuroses and baggage that Ced's going to have to deal with if they go through with this.

He wants to sink into the couch.

He reaches a hand out to take Cedric's.

"I did," Cedric agrees. Now they have no choice but to face it. "But how long could I have lied? I would've cracked under a week at best."

His compulsive need to be honest just about everywhere would be the downfall of them all.

"Nothing's ever been simple with us, has it?" It's almost funny. He'd smile, but he's focusing all his energy on pushing his hand closer. That's the most he'll do for now. It's Howard's to decide. "We're just...jumbled up together and learning to deal with it. But I wouldn't have it another way."

"God, I kept my whole deal under wraps for months. Zou didn't even realize I was hiding some deep dark secret."

He reaches out and takes Cedric's hand. "Pretty good description. I just don't know how this goes. Any of it. So I guess we just take it as it goes."

"It's a skill I still need to work on."

Cedric slips his hand in Howard's and leaves it there, marveling at his ability to do this. He holds on, letting himself adjust to just that. It's oddly liberating.

"Neither do I, really! But I suppose we could start with eating the pizza before it gets cold?"

"I don't know how this changes things." Howard's surprised to realize that he actually doesn't know. A lot of 'something more' seems a little too intimidating right now. Kissing and deep displays of physical affection and all. Certainly sex.

Except something's different now, he knows that. Even if he can't explain how.

"You mean before the cats figure out how to open a pizza box." Howard grins and gets up, still holding Cedric's hand. "We could, um. We could try cuddling after dinner, if you want."